Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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