Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
