I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
