I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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