$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
