The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
