he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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