roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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