I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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