i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
