I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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