Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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