How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
