I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
