On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
