last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Bring me that man meat
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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