sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
