I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can I color on your dick again?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
