Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
