When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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