theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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