I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
