im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
