New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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