Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
