you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
