I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
