you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
