God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
