I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
