She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
