just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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