What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
