I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
