Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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