Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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