Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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