sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
