Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
