my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
