tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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