I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
