That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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