dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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