When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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