did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
