Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I met the friendliest cop last night
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
