is wine microwaveable?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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