She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
