I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
