...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
