There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I could fuck to npr.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
