Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
