someone owes me an orgasm
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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