If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
